My Official Position on Skorts and Mouse Pads

I'm not going to sugar coat this. Yes, last night a specially-trained team of police investigators did raid my house, and yes, in my basement they did find what the local newspaper has referred to as "a sickening accumulation of soiled mouse pads and skorts." What no one has bothered to ask is what I was planning to do with all those skorts and mouse pads.

I believe it was Confucius who said "choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Well, following my termination from the International House of Pancakes six months ago, I decided to heed these words and follow my bliss.

Some dudes are into sports cars, others, exquisite cheeses. My deal is skorts and mouse pads. Yes, I said it, and it felt good. I'm tired of making apologies for who I am. Skorts are kind of dressy, kind of sporty, and I appreciate that. Also, mouse pads are both whimsical and functional. I have a computer from 1991, and my mouse pad enables me to smoothly point and click on e-commerce offerings that I would enjoy purchasing. My mouse pad is also emblazoned with the image of a basket full of kittens and yarn, which, needless to say, lightens my heart in this troubled world.

So back to the basement. For years I have spoken to only my closest friends of my dream to open a museum dedicated exclusively to skorts and mouse pads. Well, the good news is that I've decided to follow that dream. The bad news is that, after a lengthy cost-analysis study, I'm estimating my start-up costs to be right around $4.5 million. Which is where you come in. As a principal investor in the first ever Mouse Pad and Skort Museum, you will help to weave an exciting new thread into the tapestry of our American cultural heritage.

Did you know that John Hancock was wearing a skort when he signed the Declaration of Independence? Or that mouse pads were used as an early form of currency among Native American tribes? Late president John Quincy Adams had this to say about the hemp mouse pad he kept in the oval office:
"A truer pad is ne'er to be found. And whence my mouse drag upon its hearty grain, my vigor is emboldened evermore."

So to the know-it-alls at the Herald: Why don't you dig a little deeper into the facts before your rag slanders another American patriot? And to interested museum investors, I am able to accept your check or money orders immediately. I think together we can really change a lot of people's preconceptions about skorts and mouse pads.


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