Group E-Mail to French Canada Regarding My Intimidating Scorpion Lollipop
To: French Canadians
From: Matt Hutchinson
Re: My Scorpion Lollipop
Many of you have been wondering (out loud) how extreme I am. Rather than address the issue myself, I'd like to let this scorpion-frozen-in-a-lollipop answer on my behalf. Wait a minute, that's right -- he can't speak because he's trapped in a sugary translucent crypt which I am now slowly destroying with my mouth hole.
For those of you who can't do the math, I'll give you a hand. 1. Scorpions are tougher than shit. 2. Trapping a scorpion in a lollipop is extremely masculine. 3. Freeing the scorpion with one's face borders on madness.
Most of you (my loved ones included) are probably wondering if I am prepared for the fight-to-the-death that will ensue once the scorpion is awakened from his fructose slumber. More specifically, am I prepared to feel the sweet lethal kiss of his barbed stinger, or the vice-like twist of his pincers on my freshly shorn calves? The answer to that question is yes. And the answer to your follow-up question ("why do you shave your legs?") is quite simple: aerodynamic advantage in the scorpion battlefield. Less drag, more efficient scorpion-liquidation.
On a final note, yes that is my Linkin Park ring tone, and yes, I have to take this call.
"All experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world whose margin fades for ever and ever when I move"
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
Posted by Hutchy