My Tax Rebate Spending Journal

Wednesday, May 7, 3:28 pm
$600 tax rebate check arrives in mail. I unwrap it and smell it. Rub it along my gums a little. It tastes like freedom. Robust, filthy freedom.

Thursday, May 8, 2:28 am
I have a dream where I am visited by an golden owl. He is so very bright, yet it doesn't hurt my eyes to gaze upon him. He is holding some kind of ancient scroll, written in a language I don't fully comprehend. His face is made of diamonds, and I sense he is wise. Wise like a samurai. Also, his talons are quite sharp as they dig into my genitals.

Thursday, May 8, 11:07 am
I awake hungry and humbled by the dream. What was the owl trying to tell me? I think it had something to do with personal responsibility, or possibly patriotism. I vow that I will use my newly acquired riches for good rather than evil.

Thursday, May 8, 11:09 am
Over a bowl of Honeycomb cereal, I decide I'll use my tax rebate to get a facelift. It probably sounds selfish, but the thing is, I want to get more involved in my community, but I'm currently too ashamed of my face to do so.

Friday, May 9, 11:15 pm
If I have any money left over I'm gonna get a neck tat. Probably of a realistic zipper, halfway opened to reveal my neck organs underneath.

Saturday, May 10 12:08
I call a few dudes, and it turns out facelifts is like mad pricey. I get pretty pissed at first, but then cool myself down with some Nachos Bel Grande. I resolve to sort the issue out in my head. . .

Problem: Facelift is more than 6 hundo.
Solution: Go to Mexico and find a facelift for cheap.
Problem: Getting to Mexico costs money.
Solution: Hitchhike. Pay for food by robbing graves.
Problem solved; tax rebate un-depleted.

May 11-18
Tramping to Mexico is more challenging than I thought. Luckily, I meet up with a hobo named Cookie who can whistle through his eye socket. I sink a hundo into a get-rich-scheme he's developed. He's a little soft on the details, but I'm pretty sure it involves scamming old people. I've also had to spend some of the rebate check on my gambling addiction, which I only recently realized that I have.

June 4, 10:15 am
¡Bienvenidos a Mexico! Getting across the border was a bit tricky (on account of my being a chimera -- more on that in a sec), but I feel as though I am approaching the realization of my dreams. Sadly, Cookie passed away in Piedras Negras. I had to spend the bulk of my rebate check on his ad hoc cremation. Good news is I still got about a hundge to pump into the fledgling Mexican facelift industry.

June 12, 2:30 pm
After a week of bartering and administering street justice, I found the deal I've been looking for. A guy's gonna do my permanent facial expression just like Jack Nicholson as the Joker. I guess since there's a new Joker movie coming out, this procedure is on sale. He also threw in a free laser rejuvination of my female set of reproductive organs. If I don't have more self-confidence now, I never will.

July 4, 8:34 pm
My tax rebate depleted, and my journey complete, I return stateside to begin a new life of community service. I have a one act play I'm performing at the senior center for the fourth of July. It's called "Mirrors of Steve." It is an autobiographical exploration of self identity through the lens of my own selfhood. I play the lead.

July 4, 11:54 pm
I guess old people don't get unscripted experimental theatre cause I bombed pretty bad. I think I even made a few of the older women cry. Removing my stage makeup, I admire my new waxy features, blotting at the moist corners of my eyes.